Train your wife like you train your penis.

 By Angelica Shiels, Psy.D.

Some women were offended by my recent post, “Train your man like you train your toddler. Women were outraged that they would have to “train” their partner, and felt like  women should not have to jump through hoops in order to make their man act like a decent, involved, unselfish partner.

This post is about leveling the playing field. If women have to “jump through hoops” (aka intentionally be kind and respectful and loving) to train their men, then certainly men should be accountable for the same. Why should women do all the work?

So without further adieu, here’s how to train your wife like you train your penis:

1). Take her out and attend to her regularly. You know how your penis gets grumpy when he’s cooped up with no interaction for days on-end? Well, if you take your wife out and shower her with attention from time to time, her mood will significantly lighten.

2). Try to be understanding of what your wife is going through; Realize that there’s a good reason that she says and does certain things. Remember the other night when your penis was being stubbornly uncooperative? You didn’t even get mad; you just shrugged your shoulders and mumbled something about too much alcohol. Wives, like penises, respond best when you consider that even their frustrating behaviors are actually for valid reasons.

3). Calmly ride-out disruptive, inappropriate behavior. Remember when your penis kept obnoxiously showing up in the middle of your High School science lab, and you just calmly held a notebook over your pants until it went away? You never once got in your penis’s face and screamed at him for being annoying. Well, if your wife is obsessively texting you while you’re trying to get work done or showing up at your guys’ poker night with nachos, there is no need for actual confrontation in those scenarios either.

4). Give her a loving nickname. No, “Excalibur” or “King Koopa” probably won’t do the trick for your wife, but a woman you just called “baby” or “sweetheart” is definitely not about to criticize or pick a fight with you.

5). A little appreciation goes a long way. You know how you tend to focus on the positives about Lord Winston? You know how after a good performance you remind yourself how the Winster must be superior to all those Captain Falcons and Tony-the-Tigers out there? In the same way, make sure that the positive aspects of your woman are proudly etched into the forefront of your mind and that she knows it. She’ll want to work hard to live up to your positive impression.

6) Just be nice. Women that expect criticism or defensiveness tend to either become passive-aggressive or randomly explosive, and you don’t want that. When Emperor Dan has a need, you don’t ever find yourself saying “Why the f$&* would you want that?” or “How are you so selfish?” No, you are always, always nice to Dan the Man. In fact, you often put his needs first and foremost in your life.

7). Much like Major Johnson was the sole brain behind your operation when were a teenager and during your college years, your wife should be dictating many of your behaviors and decisions currently. Why? Because marriage researchers point to a husband accommodating his wife’s direct requests as one of about a dozen specific behaviors that predict relationship satisfaction. So this one isn’t really training your wife, but it’s important.

8). The best way to get your woman to satisfy your language of love is to recognize and speak HER language of love, not just assume you know what she would want. You have never once just assumed that taking Mr. Winky to the ballet or writing him a love poem would make him happy. No, instead you actually recognized and delivered the specific kind of admiration and interaction that truly meant the most to him. And isn’t your Winkenstein just a pleasure to be around as a result?! (Hint: unlike your penis, acts of service and words of appreciation/admiration often mean a lot to a woman.)

9). Truly admire your wife. Let her catch you staring at her in front of the mirror with awe and wonder. Give her a subtle nod of pride. You know it works for Deputy Dawg.

10). Be your wife’s fierce protector. Remember when the snowboarding incident of 2008 threatened to sever the bond between you and Prince Willy, and you maniacally screamed in protest at the assaulting tree? You didn’t even care what any of the astonished onlookers thought. Well, next time your mother criticizes your wife’s cooking or her boss manipulates her into working on Saturday, your instinct should be a completely loud and outraged, “Awe, hell naw!!” Then watch as your wife’s hostility and insecurity disappears, and she immediately leaps on top of you.

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