Dear teenage boy thinking about having sex,


By Angelica Shiels Psy.D.

So, teenage boy, you’re thinking about having sex with that girl you’ve been talking to.

There’s a conversation we need to have first.

Yes, teenage boy, I know you are more than a walking hormonal, porn-obsessed, sex-crazed caveman.

I know that despite stereotypes, it IS possible for you to think with your upstairs brain instead of your downstairs brain.

And I know that you are aware that girls have feelings and are to be treated with respect (Don’t tell me your mama or your auntie or your dad didn’t teach you that.).

I also know that you are well aware of HPV and HIV and Herpes and pregnancy. That’s not what this is about.

Teenage boy, you live in a world where OTHER things, things besides those barbaric, mind-altering hormones, cloud your judgement. What is an impressionable, developing mind to do with all this instant access to nudity, pornpgraphy, teen sex shows, at your finger tips? And access to snapchat and Lulu and Tinder and girls wearing nothing all over Instagram?

Your whole generation is being brainwashed to think first about boobs and legs and second, if at all, about respect. The boys and the girls alike.

And also, teenage boy, what your friends think about you is much more important than what anyone else thinks about you and sometimes even takes precedence over your own judgement. Doesn’t make you a bad person; it’s developmentally normal. But I do implore you to consider what you think, above-all….

So what happens when boys, in masses, start to embrace and celebrate casual sex? What happens when boys start getting sh*% for being in a “relationship” instead of just “talking” to a girl, or for waiting too long to have sex? Or when boys get a light, but influential, teasing for “putting up” with a girl not “putting out?” Or when boys start thinking nothing of passing around a screenshot of some topless girl?

Well, in generations past, nothing happened, because the girls were not, in masses, willing participants. Now, however, girls are too, as similar victims of our culture, being brainwashed into thinking sex does not cause attachment and emotional consequence, that sex doesn’t matter. It is a rare exception that a girl demands respect and commitment before sex. So NOW, a lot happens. With much emotional casualty.

AND this, at first, sounds great to you. Sex without commitment gets you prestige; gets you friends; gets you sex (needs to be mentioned again.), and the girls go ALONG with it.

GREAT, you say.

Well, at least that’s what you tell your friends anyway, because it’s not cool to admit that you really crave a real connection with a girl, crave to respect someone and have her respect you back. And it’s not okay to admit that a little part of you feels empty at the end of the day, the day spent thinking of a girl as nothing more than a body while she thinks of you similarly.

But, you conclude, since the girls go along with the casual sex, that must be what they want, right?

Your disapproving mama and your auntie, you tell yourself, don’t know how girls really are nowadays. Nowadays, you tell yourself, sharing bodies and having sex is no big deal too anyone, even to girls.

I am here to tell you that all of these assumptions lies. No matter how casual and stoic she acts, having sex with you will matter to that girl. No matter how much casual sex is elevated to your friends, it won’t make you feel more worthy or not-empty or good-enough”.

When I tell you that girls actually DO care even though they act like they don’t, you are probably skeptical, but intrigued….

When I tell you that she is offering up her body to you with hopes that you will forget about everyone else and commit to her, you probably think it might be true….

When I tell you that she acts stoic and confident to you, but cries herself to sleep wondering why she isn’t “good enough for someone to love,” your heart probably sinks a little….

I know you can see how a girl would be caught up in this culture, seeking approval through her sexts and her mini-dresses, and her blow-jobs, while secretly feeling sad and desperate inside. And I know a big part of you doesn’t want to be that boy that keeps this going.

Teenage boy, I know you are a good kid, and more importantly, a brave kid capable of thinking for himself.

I know that you feel good about yourself when you are being the young man you want to be.

I know you still want sex.

But I also know that you will be proud of yourself for making sure you get to know and respect the girl before you have sex. And I know you will feel less empty when you do it that way.

But, truly, teenage boy, I know when you will feel scared, but good about yourself, when you tell your friends that you’re waiting until you and the girl get to know and respect each other. In fact, after that simple, statement that you casually make while tying your shoelace or staring at your phone, will make your friends think, and will make you feel proud.

I know you will tell your very closest friends that casual sex feels good in the moment, but “superficial” isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be, despite what society would like you to think. I know you will tell a select few that you trust, your secret, that truth is, sex matters to even the most stoic of girls, and partly because you know that and partly because you’re tired of meaningless, sex matters to you too.

Ps And, if you say, “I admit part of me care a little, but in the moment, a part of me just want the girl;” In that case, teenage boy, you are in for a rude awakening because girls, who have always had the power, now KNOW they have the power. There will be a higher standard whether you set it or not.


1 thought on “Dear teenage boy thinking about having sex,

  1. Pingback: Dear teenage girl thinking about having sex, | Maryland Family Psychology

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