Back-to-School Shopping. Yes, this cringe-worthy time is upon us soon. Let’s face it, every August, the local Target assumes all the characteristics of the primate house at the zoo. The bumping, the whining, the spilling, the huddling, the civilized fighting for dominance, the throwing feces at people who stop and stare….Errr, moving on. I’m sure all of us could use a few tips on navigating the crowds, getting our hands on those impossible- to-find items, and keeping the kids (and ourselves) from melting-down:

1). Start your vigorous training in July. Do daily lunges and pull-ups, a little bit of cardio, and some basic gymnastics maneuvers. You will be glad you did when you beat those too-slow moms to the last ruler with your round-off-handstand routine.

2). A child is never too big to sit in the cart. Have a cranky, whiny 12 year old? Time for her to curl up and go for a ride.  Mama’s got a job to do. Yes, daughter, that would be unfortunate if we ran into one of your friends.

3)… And it would also be unfortunate if we ran into one of your friends since Mama’s wearing camo Lycra, her cute teal Reebox, and facial war paint. Oh what’s that? Mama can’t hear you protest through the “Eye of the Tiger” shaking her earbuds.

4). Under no circumstances should you shower or wear deodorant for three days preceding the shopping trip. An empty aisle is the best kind of aisle. Do you want some other mom to get the last One Direction 3-D notebook? Please heed my warning… Unless you WANT her to be stuck with a bunch of Justin Bieber folders.
5). Outsmart the mind games. It is a little known fact that each year those twisted teachers with sick senses of humor send you on a wild goose chase for at least one item that does not exist. Do NOT go to twelve stores looking for “Fruity-Pebbles-flavored glow-stick erasable markers in pastel hues.” When you notice this item, simply cross it off your list and move on. When you next see the teacher, make sure you make icy eye contact and let her know, “Nice try. I don’t know who you think I am, but I am nobody’s fool.” Then casually walk away as to avoid escalation of conflict with your child’s source of education.