If Jimmy Kimmel Asked Kids the Important Questions: (On Dignity, Mystery, and yoga pants.)

I have had absolutely no fun replicating Jimmy Kimmel kid-interviews.

I told my kid that I accidentally ate all his Halloween candy, and  I acted sooo overly empathic and regretful in the delivery (because something about being an intentional dick to my kid rubs me the wrong way),  that my son patted me on the back and said, “That’s okay, mom. We all make mistakes.”  (I made note of the boundary issues in this scenario and of my son’s susceptibility to guilt and codependence…And I hope to god he never enters a relationship with a manipulative addict or a narcissist, because if he does, he just may be toast.  But moving on.)

I asked my kid, “What’s the meanest thing that Mommy has ever said to you?” and he said, “Nothing.  You only say nice things,” to which I responded “BULLSHIT. Don’t be a kiss-ass, son.”  Just kidding; I made note of the test subject’s eagerness to please the examiner, and reframed the question.  “What does Mommy say when she yells at you?”  Then my son did an awesome Darth-Vader-meets-Stallone voice, pointed to the staircase and basically belched, “GOOO UP STAYAHS!”  (So that, I admit, was a little bit fun.)

So typically Jimmy Kimmel kid-skits are for sheer entertainment purposes. But, I wonder, why does Jimmy not address the important societal issues with these kids, the issues that, if considered deeply, could really change the world? In recent weeks, the issue of females dressing more modestly, so as to assuage the behaviors of disrespectful males, has been a topic of particular public concern. A Jimmy Kimmel kid-skit could certainly shed light on this important issue by asking kids (in the words of the recently- gone-viral anti-spaghetti straps and yoga pants bloggers) the following questions:

“How, little four year old, do you protect your incredible mystery and dignity?”

dumb

Okay, fine.  Let me reframe the question.

“When was the last time your mom implored you to feel non-judgemental pity for some hussy that showed her shoulder…ehhem… I mean mystery… in public?”

dum

Yah, pretty much.  But, Raven, at least you are wearing a sensible turtleneck so as not to defile your mystery. Moving on to even more important topics…

“Do you ever notice Daddy failing to keep his eyes focused ahead when he sees a girl that isn’t mommy wearing yoga pants?”

mich

Even Michelle Tanner knows something about evolutionary biology and psychology. Okay, one last question.

“What conclusion do you come-to when you imagine a world in which your daddy cannot control himself from ….dare I say it…. looking at women in yoga pants out in public?”

whatchu

Arnold is considering this interviewer’s apparently insecure attachment style along with her apparent compulsion to control that which does not need managing and also her possible proclivity toward general anxiety.

Although every once in a while a kid (the kids of the women who wrote the spaghetti straps and yoga pants posts??) will panic and respond,

sca

That could only mean….uncontrolled sexual assaults and rampant affairs, which of COURSE would be because of the clothes the women are wearing. Quick! Throw a burlap bag over your mommy!” 

So, (Jimmy Kimmel, are you listening?) I hope to soon come across a viral YouTube video discussing these important topics with children. Because making sure our children know about their mystery and dignity and the real dangers of yoga pants (not respect and human decency on the part of men) are essential to a safe and civilized world. And, I especially hope the interviewer drives home the fact that respect and loyalty have nothing to do with a person’s choice to be respectful and loyal, but obviously everything to do with what the other person is wearing. Obviously.*

Wouldn’t that be a fun little skit?

*It should be noted that the preceding statement is about as stone-cold factual as the definition of “mystery” these days.

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